Isn’t time supposed to heal all wounds?
Im sooooo fed up with this. Im done with it. I split up with She Who Is Unmentionable (SWIU) some time ago. I have a serious residual issue. My Reason . Oh my God…. my Reason.
SWIU and I had an off and on again relationship for three years, mostly on, during which time she was the second mother to my Reason. As I had my Reason every weekend then, it was impossible for me to separate the relationships, not that I would do that anyway – it was a serious monogamous relationship…and she was fantastic with them, she was their mother and they her children – I thought they loved each other. I say thought; I know my reason love her and her girls, but I cant believe she loved them, how could you put children through this? When SWIU finally decided to call it quits, she ceased communication with me and my reason altogether. No goodbye, nothing. One week she’s their mom; the next week gone. One week they had two sisters, the next week none. How could she let it end without saying goodbye?
When we first broke-up I pleaded with SWIU for us to get together to explain the situation to all the kids – no reply. Luckily I did manage to talk to the girls before we parted to tell them how much I love them no matter if we saw each other or not, and that the breakup wasn’t anyone’s fault and it certainly wasn’t their fault. Since then I have attempted to remain friends with SWIU – no chance.
At around the same time as we separated my eldest reason began to occasionally wet himself – he was waaaay past that stage, he never even had accidents. We still dont know whether this is physiological or psychological – its an ongoing issue.
ONE AND A HALF YEARS since they’ve seen each other my eldest reason still asks about them – he is not even six yet. “I miss (SWIU and girls) can we see them?” I cant imagine what it must be like for the guardians of children who have lost parent(s)/sibling(s). I have explained to him that we probably wont see them again- “… we might see them again one day , we hope so… but its not very likely and probably not for a long time I miss them too and I’m sure they miss us …but some things cant be helped. Dont count on seeing them for a long time.”
I have tried explaining it to my reason ( its an adult thing – it has nothing to do with you; its not your fault.) Ive tried making excuses for them (they live a long long way away). Ive tried exploring their feelings (both directly and indirectly questioning). Ive tried getting them to show their feelings through coloring, drawing faces, pulling faces, simply telling me – with no lasting resolution.
It frustrates me, I have paralyzing guilt about it and it makes me cry for him – my eldest in particular, he is much like me and certainly as sensitive, my youngest was young enough to have bounced back. I wonder about the girls too – do they remember us? I’ve written offering solutions that dont include seeing me – so SWIU could see the kids and our kids could play together , if her new partner has kids they could all play and become friends – no reply. Lets demonstrate that it is possible to break up and maintain a healthy caring relationship, its a healthy model for them to follow – no reply.
It is great for all children to be loved – by lots of people. I don’t know if my ex-wife is seeing someone seriously but if she were and he looks after my reason and grows to love them – and they him , fantastic. More people to love them and look out for them. I’m all for it.
I don’t understand any of this and why SWIU wont at least say goodbye to my boys and have our kids say goodbye to each other, it at least gives them some closure , its important. Is it too late now or not? Not for my eldest anyway. One thing’s for sure we could have avoided much of this. It’s the one thing I’m angry about, the only thing. I don’t care what adults do to each other they’re adults but leave the kids out of this – lets make it as easy on them as we can. Loving them and protecting them – aren’t they two fundamental qualities of a good parent?