The Valentines Day Guide – featuring excerpts from “On how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any”

To celebrate Valentines Day, personal relationships expert, Simon Houghton (that’s me!) has written a guide on how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – it’s by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any. Pithily titled – “On how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship  and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any,” it is the definitive guide to finding your perfect partner, maintaining a healthy relationship and being able to recognize when your relationship isn’t going so well; and will be available nationally, at all Borders stores,  in the near future. Today we present an excerpt from the book.

What is your category?

  1. In a relationship (monogamous)
  2. In a relationship (open)
  3. Not in a relationship (seeking)
  4. Not in a relationship (not seeking)

If you are in category 4 and aren’t likely to be seeking a relationship ever again – skip this guide you poor, embittered, twisted soul – you are bound for a life of loneliness and there’s no help for you… move on. Put the kleenex down and navigate away from the page.

For the rest us this is an invaluable guide to help you find that perfect partner in life or someone for a casual root. Okay, its true, the author hasn’t found his partner yet, but what’s far more important to you, is that he knows what a good partner isn’t. He’s found almost every incompatible personality type, dated it, and been dumped by it. He has experienced nearly every annoying idiosyncrasy, every niggling mannerism, every shocking betrayal and every soul-destroying humiliation known to mankind. He knows every red flag – every subtle, nuanced and telltale sign that indicates a relationship is either in the crapper or sailing southward into Shitsville.

For your edification he has written this guide to help you recognize and avoid the most common of those pitfalls.

The goal for those in a relationship (monogamous): to give you solid, common sense advice to help you enhance your relationship and to provide a checklist for you to make absolutely certain and for sure that you’ve hooked up with the right person.

The goal for seeking singles and those in an open relationship: for you to ultimately find your life partner, that one special person with whom you will share your life… in a constant state of euphoria… forever. Or someone to get off with.  Fair enough?


So sit back, read this guide at your leisure, don’t get too disturbed, and with a little dedication to the practices suggested by these pages; look forward to a life with your match made in heaven. We also guarantee you’ll have beautiful babies.

WARNING: All the good stuff is here, if you choose to ignore even the smallest and seemingly insignificant recommendation contained herein you do so at your own peril.

COMPATIBILITY AND PERSONALITY TYPES

How to recognize a personality type, those types you are most compatible with and those you should avoid (or just have it off with and never see again).

There are 52 different personality types and thousands of  possible compatibility based connections. Here are 8  of the most common and one (personality type 6 ) extraordinary personality type:

For a full list of personality types with a full description of the attributes of each, don’t forget to buy your copy of “On how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any.” Available at all Borders stores soon.

PART 2 – RED FLAGS

Your partner calls you by another name at an intimate moment. The name of their ex? Not so bad. Particularly if the split was recent or the relationship long-lasting. The name of your best friend, son, daughter or your ex? That’s a full five bell alarm right there.

Your partner goes out with friends for a night out, doesn’t return home and doesn’t phone to let you know. Hate to give you the news, but this can only signal bad things. Either they’ve passed out, in which case neither they nor their friends think you are important enough to be informed about it; or they are banging the brains out of someone they’ve met that night. Could be a friend, could be a stray. Either way  – Sucketh City.

Their family or friends or both think you are an a-hole/slag/waste of space. This can be beaten but its tough. If your partner is forever defending you, eventually they’ll get sick and tired of it. They’ll then have a choice to make – it’s between you and mommy, daddy and the rest of the losers that make up their family and that social retard of a sorry excuse for humanity they call a best friend… it’s not looking good for you is it?

All of the things your partner used to love about you, they now hate. And I mean HATE. There seems to be no explanation for it. Everything you do is wrong. Offense is taken at everything you say. Compliments are taken as insults etc… Sorry – you’re fucked. They’ve distanced themselves from you and are busying themselves by telling complete strangers that they can’t believe they ever found you attractive,  that you’re a dud lay, and you have absolutely no redeemable qualities. Which may actually be true.

Your partner has never introduced you to their closest friends. So you think you’re in a relationship do you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Your partner is your best friend but you don’t really fancy them, sex is… well… not happening … But hey! nothing better is coming along. Oh c’mon!! Puhlease. You are a wad.

Your partner would rather babysit all the neighbour’s kids than go on a date with you. My friend, you have just been jilted for a fun-filled evening of cleaning up shitty bottoms and wiping snotty noses. You’re a winner! …. not.

The sex isn’t what it used to be. People are always saying, “… you know after a while the sex isn’t going to happen with as much frequency [blah blah blah], with less fervor [blah blah blah], its just what happens.”  BULLSHIT.  Get on that thing people! This is a symptom of a much bigger problem that needs to be addressed immediately! It’s a sign that there’s something seriously wrong… not as big a sign as the huge cache of antibiotics and topical ointments you found hidden in your partners underwear drawer I warrant, but it’s a pretty big sign nonetheless.

Out of the blue your partner begins doing  things that they used to do especially  for you eg. wear/not wear certain items of apparel, wear perfume/cologne, take particular pride in their appearance. If they’re not doing it to turn you on, what do you reckon they’re doing? C’mon genius figure it out. Same goes for a lot of unusually late nights at the office. Do you think they’re balancing the books? They’re balancing something, I can tell you that much.

Your partner won’t “friend” you on Facebook or other Social Media sites. Does this make you feel unwanted? Or as though your partner is keeping secrets from you? Does it make you feel uneasy, like they may be having illicit relationships? There’s a good reason for that… they are.  You dumbass.

When communicating to your partner a suspicion that they may be having an affair with a  particular person they respond by telling you how crazy that  suggestion is;  that you are really mental and that your suspicious behaviour will herald the end of your relationship etc… Yeah, yeah.  Thou protesteth too much Bozo. They’re def  bangin’ baby!  This is the perfect opportunity to put those stalking skills you’ve been honing to good use. Because there’s nothing more humiliating, dignity destroying and soul crushing than to catch the person you love with all your heart In flagrante – to be able to say I told you so.

These are just a few of the many, many red flags that can indicate a serious problem with your relationship. To learn more about how to repair your relationship and which types of person you are really compatible with, don’t forget to grab a copy of “On how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any”, from your local Borders store.

By mentioning The Bloke Show you will receive a 25c discount off RRP, at all Borders book stores.

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

And always remember –  Love: it’s what makes the world go around.



About Simon

Simon Houghton creator of The Bloke Show started life as a baby, going on to become a boy and then a man, at which time he became an actor. As time passed he went on to be a director, later still he became a sales guy, then a business owner. Most recently he regressed and became a writer. Then a driver, then an actor again. Decisiveness is not one of his strong suits.
This entry was posted in Commentary and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to The Valentines Day Guide – featuring excerpts from “On how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any”

  1. Carita says:

    sheer brilliance Mr Bloke….great blog….LOVE the header…

  2. Rex says:

    reasonably comprehensive, but as a type 4, I can confirm without fear of contradiction we are most compatible with everyone, (especially other type 4’s) with the probable exception of type 6, unless they’re in drag.

  3. simon says:

    Hmmm, I agree… it should say compatible with PTs 1-52 (which is all of them). If it is unclear I shall have to see what I can do about changing that :)

    Rex??? Really???

    Thanks for reading and commenting mate!

  4. Catarina says:

    Great read, scary though as I’ve been in way too many of those red flag situations… way way way too many… what does that mean????
    ;) Cat

    • simon says:

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting Cat …I know you’ll be interested in a follow up post , can’t tell you now (you’ll understand why when I post it). BTW I wouldn’t read too much into being stuck in those red-flaggers – we all have haven’t we? ; ) hmmmmmm maybe not everyone :)

  5. Wilvie says:

    Dear mr. Houghton, you really made me laugh with this article.
    I am very curious about the actual advices you give. I can remember an half a year ago you once told me to just ‘fuck the guy’ and move on to the next one (because hey, it’s burningman!). My woman instincts told me the guy I liked was more then just a one time bed partner so from concidering your advice of a type 2 relationship, I skipped your advice and got myself involved in a serious type 1 relationship. After a few months I realised things weren’t going the way I wanted them to which made me end up in type 4 not having a relationship. Thank god time heals all the wounds! So at this point I concider myself as a type 3 not being in a relationship.

    Too bad my woman instincts don’t tell me often that I really like somebody. So mr. Houghton the relationship expert, I am looking for ‘mister right’, not ‘mister right now’.
    And although type 2 looks really hot! I totally want him, not! But how am I going to find my mr. Right ;) ?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *