Every time a wedding takes place in Redmond, the cure for cancer is setback three years.
And Christina Aguilera inches her way ever closer to becoming a 7.
The greenies like to point at climate change, the loony right like to point at Obama, the liberals like to point at FOX Channel. I say if you want proof positive that the world is off-kilter you need look no further than Redmond, Washington.
When I was a young bloke, the hot chicks were with the jocks. They belong together. They were happy; and we were okay with it. Occasionally one of us might get lucky and score with a hot chick – a genuine triumph of imagination over intelligence[sic]! However, it was certainly not the norm. Teachers married teachers, cool married cool and geeks married geeks. We knew our place and we were comfortable with it. To walk down the streets of Redmond today, you’d never guess that was ever the case.
The city that is Microsoft is also the city with the highest rate of geek/hot chick partnerships in the United States. To experience Redmond is to experience a mash-up of The Stepford Wives without the feminism, Showgirls without the subtlety and Revenge of the Nerds without the irony.
Redmond is a place where family groupings of one hot partner, one geek and offspring that are neither bright nor beautiful, roam the streets like wandering herds of mismatched animals in a Bosch-like vision of hell. It is not the wolf lying with the lamb. No, much worse. It is the panther lying with the lesser hairy-footed dunnart.
If the ‘Redmond Effect’ was confined to within its city limits this affront to the laws of nature would be tolerable, disastrously this is not the case. Each little satanic progeny, each little monster is not only lowering the average of the national IQ, but is also altering both our understanding of what it is to be smart and corroding our aesthetic sensibilities.
Influencing nearly all aspects of our daily lives since the late 1970s the effects of this national disaster extend further than many suspect. Most people are unaware of the magnitude of this problem so below I have assembled some of the startling examples of cultural aberrations that have arisen due to the ‘Redmond Effect’.
In order to avert this impending intellectual dumbing-down, this toothless, butt-ugly tragedy reaching Mississippian proportions on a nationwide scale, I propose the implementation of one of two solutions that share a sensible and conservative approach.
Build a 12 ft. razor wired fence around the city of Redmond. To justify this, tell the residents that the City of Redmond is sponsoring a special event – a no holds barred, winner-takes-all, last man standing, double tag-team duel to the death. Bill Gates and The Rock V Steve Jobs and, the fresh out of retirement, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The referee will be… Vince McMahon, himself. This will totally make believable the need for such high level security and no one will be able to resist showing up for the event. Everyone knows that Stone Cold will promise not to interfere with the referee and be on his best behavior, but of course he will smash McMahon with his signature Stone Cold Stunner. Gates will argue passionately for restraint whilst reaching for a chair to smash Jobs with. Gates will end up on top of Jobs, sinking his fist over and over into Jobs’ face, until out of nowhere The Undertaker will appear dropping Gates with a “last ride” elevated power-bomb. Meanwhile in the other corner Stone Cold will be mashing McMahon’s face, opening it up like a cheap jar of pasta sauce. Ha! That should fix McMahon and shut his big mouth once and for all. All this time The Rock will be standing watching the brutal bashing and do nothing, ’cause deep down he knows that Stone Cold deserves his revenge and McMahon has had it coming to him for a long while, and that Gates’ time has passed and that Microsoft hasn’t really produced anything exciting and innovative for ten years because cloud computing probably isn’t a long-term solution, Microsoft is relying on an aggressive litigation policy that is in direct opposition to the spirit of the marketplace and remains strong largely owing to customer apathy and a resistance to embrace new technology, even though it would benefit them greatly in terms of both efficiency and productivity. But it’s not all doom and gloom for Gates, despite his face being rearranged by The Undertaker. Bing is shaping up nicely for Microsoft and looks like being a genuine option to Google’s search engine.
Back to the task at hand then.
At the time scheduled for the commencement of the bout dispatch a squadron from nearby Joint Base Lewis-McChord to deliver a shock and awe campaign that will obliterate the city.
Build a huge dome over the city and destroy it with a controlled nuclear explosion. The dome would, in the spirit of the great utilitarian designs, become both a tomb and a shrine – a reminder to its millions of visitors that pairing without giving consideration to a genetic imperative could have dire consequences; far worse than those resulting from improper tooth brushing techniques, lack of flossing and a general lackadaisical approach to oral hygiene.
SIMONS EASTER EGG