Continuing the Tradition – Streaking

A play-off game at Lang Park was never complete without some wally (no disrespect to The King) having one too many, disrobing, leaping the fence and waltzing across the field to pat their favorite player on the back to thank him for his hard work in the ruck. To go to the lengths of stripping down and cartwheeling gear out, is an effort well appreciated by the players, as it certainly is by the crowd.

This, my friends, is only the beginning of the ritual that is the lost art of streaking.

Eventually, some policemen will feel obliged to end the jollity, chasing the offender; usually all over the paddock, where the nude frolicker mock weaves, gives a fancy step or two, pretends to kick the footy, or other similarly hilarious antic, before at last being cornered and tackled by the constabulary, who from there escorts them to a paddy wagon for their final journey to the watch house – all to the resounding cheers (and boos, once they are caught) of the amassed spectators.

... and you were wondering why a bobby's helmet was shaped like that

The streaking artistes were never mistreated, never tasered, mostly went quietly and were sometimes even seen having a friendly chat with the coppers as they left the field. Streakers, back in the day, were held in high esteem. They were highly valued members of the community, and as such were afforded great respect.

This whole ‘banning of people who encroach upon the playing surface’ garbage has to stop. What happened to the whole embracing of people’s choices that is so encouraged in today’s accepting society?

Streaking is an exhilarating and entertaining pastime, that comes as a welcome respite from the heat of battle for the players and fans alike. It’s a wholesome, bonding pastime that families can enjoy together.

In days past a father’s responsibilities were unfulfilled if they didn’t teach their sons about streaking. Fathers teach them today! Teach them the correct amount of alcohol to consume in order to pluck up enough courage to make the dash whilst maintaining enough co-ordination to put up a good chase and keeping enough wits about themselves to be trickily evasive… so as to make the doltards chasing them appear like inept, donut eating buffoons. Encourage them to develop their own style! Bill ‘hello mom’ Carter would ring home in the middle of a streak. Magnus ‘hide and seek’ Turner would pretend to hide behind a player, referee or billboard, before being captured. A signature move is only limited by imagination.

Theme your streak - nice

There are many skills to teach before allowing your charges to take on their ‘maiden’ streak! Teaching them to how to run and avoid the dreaded ‘nut squeeze’, for example is very, very important. Never forget, what is now considered a fundamental lack of form has brought some of the greatest streakers of our time writhing to the ground. One day your offspring might want to have offspring of their own. Learn the lesson taught by the famous ‘dash and grab’ streak at the 1978 RL Grand Final. The tragically mistimed side-step that caused the early retirement of Macca ‘the horse’ Macpherson, who never did quite recover from his crippling ‘nut squeeze’ mishap. To this day you can still catch Macca walking gingerly to the shops – leaning slightly to the left and packing to the right.

His boys never did take up the ‘dash for glory’. Sad.

Julia 'jazz hands' - working hard on improving police/ streaker relations

Girls, never fear, you can participate in these events too! This is not just a man’s domain, the loudest roars of approval are always reserved for the women who decide to take the starkers bolt across the park. There have been many famous women streakers. Carol ‘the mad bitch’ Stankovicsz and ‘Ready for take-off’ Sally Birtles, being two notable pioneers of the sport. Mothers – encourage your daughters to continue this noble tradition; teaching girls how to gracefully glide across the ground while maintaining their feminine allure, as they desperately attempt to elude capture, is no mean feat.

A word to the wise: approach the local Elementary/Primary school for the use of their playground after school to practice. It often yields positive results to the delight of teachers, neighbors and the many pre-teen students, some of whom will stay long after school finishes. 46th annual Academy Awards, he was really on to something? Why not start family streaking events? Instead of a drive-by, although mooning has long been a streakers hobby, why not a streak-by? Why not expand the marketplace? Instead of being restricted to the sporting streak, why not the supermarket streak? Why not the opera dash? Why not a real flash mob?

Having made my case for the reintroduction and wider acceptance of streaking as the traditional and fulfilling pastime that it is, I offer a word of caution – streaking isn’t for everyone. If you have bad acne or are not in good physical shape, if you have scarring or are deformed from burns; if you have a missing appendage, excessive cellulite or varicose veins; if you have psoriasis, alopecia or alternatively are too hirsute; if you have unsightly surgical marks; if you have misshaped breasts or one breast clearly larger than the other; if you have man-boobs; if you have strange looking or inverted nipples; if you are an accountant; if there is anything unsightly about your genitalia; if you have a small dick (large dicks are fine); if you are prone to fast onset erections; if your teeth are discolored or you are in need of orthodontic work; if you have ever felt the urge to masturbate in public; if you are knock-kneed or have bowed legs; if you have an exploding bum or are too pear-shaped; if you are anorexic, bulimic or fear you may inadvertently up-chuck; if you limp, cannot run in a straight line have flailing arms when in full flight, are uncoordinated or have another impediment that might hinder a fast getaway; if you have skin like a saggy baggy elephant or are a fatty boom-boom – streaking is not for you.


About Simon

Simon Houghton creator of The Bloke Show started life as a baby, going on to become a boy and then a man, at which time he became an actor. As time passed he went on to be a director, later still he became a sales guy, then a business owner. Most recently he regressed and became a writer. Then a driver, then an actor again. Decisiveness is not one of his strong suits.
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