I wonder if its considered ok to dedicate a song that isn’t written or performed by you? I don’t suppose that’s really kosher, but if it were, this song would be for my beautiful, beautiful men. You’ll get there soon enough.
Elbow’s newest release “Build a Rocket Boys!” will be out March 7th.
My boys
Hope you like our new background. Have a nice cold one for us while you’re bathing in Elbow. Enjoy.
I am an Italophile, I love the country (well, what I have seen of it), its people (passionate, generous, open), their food (needn’t have said that huh?), their language (who needs opera when you can hear Italian spoken?) but perhaps my greatest pleasure has been found in trying to comprehend and follow their completely baffling and endlessly entertaining political system and the scandals and controversies that constantly surround it.
Berlusconi flipping the "corna"
There can be no need for ‘creative journalism’ within the offices of Roma’s equivalent of the National Enquirer . The sheer number of scandals, the vast variety of problems that these boys can get themselves into is astounding. To an outsider it seems as though at least one criminal conviction is the barest prerequisite for running for public office in Italy.
If there was a prize given for frequency and magnitude of scandals during a term in office, you’d think current Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi would have it all wrapped up. He’s an impressive guy with an impressive resume, having amassed a personal fortune that amounts to around $9 billion (making him the 74th richest person in the world). He also has an equally impressive list of allegations of improprieties (although no final convictions) made against him. A list that includes: bribery of judges, false accounting, embezzlement, tax evasion, drug trafficking, tax bribery, mafia collusion in a money laundering operation, corruption of senators, bribing a lawyer to influence a judicial decision and most recently “Rubygate” with its accusations of extortion and child prostitution. I told you it was a pretty impressive list. But hang on a sec, he’s not got this all sewn up, he has some stiff competition in the criminal activity stakes; with no fewer than 23 current Italian MPs, senators and European MPs who have final criminal convictions that are not obstructed by statutory terms. So many in fact, that Wikipedia has a dedicated page for them. These guys aren’t small-time petty criminals either, these blokes are the real deal. Their list of crimes is wide ranging and comprehensive and includes: aiding and abetting, tax fraud, bankruptcy fraud, illegal financing, slander and pollution of an acquifer (toxic waste dumping). One delightful chappy Mario Borghezio, (pictured), was convicted in 1991 for beating a Moroccan child and in 2005 for arson of the belongings of some immigrants sleeping under a bridge.
Mario Borghezio
Unlike most western democracies where legal limitations exist to stipulate how many times a leader can run for the top job or how many terms an individual can serve in office, the Italians have no such hinderances. It appears to be a kind of trial and error gig. “If we don’t like the new guy we can always give the old guy his job back” kind of thing. Between re-elections and bargaining with one of the many parties that cover the political spectrum in order to form a coalition of the sometimes willing, Signore Berlusconi has had four separate cracks at the Prime Ministership between 1991 and today. One can only assume that until now, the Italian public have been relatively content with the job he’s been doing, after all Berlusconi wasn’t elected for his morals and Italy has weathered the global economic crisis better than many of its European neighbours – Portugal, Ireland and Greece, for example.
The world of Italian politics is rife with sordid tales and wicked deeds, intrigue, unseemly acts and incredible gaffes.
Demonstrators throw women's underwear in the air during a protest outside Silvio Berlusconi's residence, in Arcore, Italy.
Berlusconi has (in no particular order) –
Lia Beltrami and Berlusconi walk the earthquake ravaged region of Abruzzo
As Spiegel Online (the online English version of German newspaper Der Spiegel) points out “Pious Christians regard him [Berlusconi] as sick but many ordinary Italians are cheering him on. Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi may grope his way from one scandal to the next, but issues of morality are not likely to cause his downfall. Should 74-year-olds be hosting group sex parties? Absolutely. And should they also be in charge of the government affairs of a core European Union country? Silvio Berlusconi would answer this question enthusiastically in the affirmative. “No one can convince me to change my lifestyle,” the Italian prime minister has said. “I’m proud of it.” For the full article click here.
When I first started having an interest in Italian politics this kind of stuff left me slack-jawed. Now I’m so accustomed to reading about it, it has become commonplace. The role of politics in Italian life is just one more unfathomable aspect of Italian culture joining driving habits, television programming and organizational skill; as things I will never understand. Put it down as one of the great unsolvable mysteries of life.
Recently Berlusconi had this to say to reporters about prosecutors in Milan who are seeking to bring him to a fast trial on charges arising from ‘Rubygate’ – “These practices are against the law, they go against parliament”. He said he would take legal action against the Italian state.
Can you think of another place in the world where a nation’s leader would threaten to sue their own people?
That’s Italy for you.
Love this ad. Why has it already been shared on facebook by two of my friends (one of whom has no children and never wants to have any) and turned viral – over 6 million hits in 24 hours -when the same manufacturers second ad,  released at the same time, has received less than one tenth of the interest? What makes this ad so compelling?  Why is it going to be one of the ads of the year?
The answer is that it taps into some things that are very human. Firstly, we want to reward the child’s persistence, we believe that hard work and persistence should reap rewards. We are rooting for the child.
Secondly, and at the heart of the ad, is that we would do the same thing that the father does; because we all want the kid to believe.
We want kids to believe that they can sing and no one can hear them, we all want them to believe in magic and Santa.
By extension I believe it ties in with an even more important human need: hope. Belief and hope. If we were to make an equation of what the ad represents its this: belief + hope (realized) Â = joy.
So here’s to art in ads and an ad that manages to succinctly convey a positive message – very successfully connecting a car with hope and joy. Engineering and manufacturing considerations notwithstanding, it’s going to make a big, big success out of the 2012 Passat.
Every time I get maudlin over missing my kids or missing my girl or when I feel as though I’m not moving forward as fast as I would like, I’ve taken to watching videos that remind me how lucky I am or how small and utterly insignificant I am in the scheme of things, videos that make me happy and inspire me or videos that remind me that I should stop being so frickin’ precious and just get on with it, videos that motivate me to start doing positive things that are good for me and the boys.
Btw I challenge Bret Easton Ellis to come up with a longer run-on sentence than the one above! Bloody well impressed myself, I did!
Anyway, I’m always going to miss those people and I’m beginning to think maybe I should schedule a time each week when I allow myself to think of them, wish them the best, send them my love …. and then get on with it again…not a bad idea really.
Here’s some videos to go on with:
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The Valentines Day Guide – featuring excerpts from “On how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any”
To celebrate Valentines Day, personal relationships expert, Simon Houghton (that’s me!) has written a guide on how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – it’s by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any. Pithily titled – “On how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed any,” it is the definitive guide to finding your perfect partner, maintaining a healthy relationship and being able to recognize when your relationship isn’t going so well; and will be available nationally, at all Borders stores, in the near future. Today we present an excerpt from the book.
What is your category?
If you are in category 4 and aren’t likely to be seeking a relationship ever again – skip this guide you poor, embittered, twisted soul – you are bound for a life of loneliness and there’s no help for you… move on. Put the kleenex down and navigate away from the page.
For the rest us this is an invaluable guide to help you find that perfect partner in life or someone for a casual root. Okay, its true, the author hasn’t found his partner yet, but what’s far more important to you, is that he knows what a good partner isn’t. He’s found almost every incompatible personality type, dated it, and been dumped by it. He has experienced nearly every annoying idiosyncrasy, every niggling mannerism, every shocking betrayal and every soul-destroying humiliation known to mankind. He knows every red flag – every subtle, nuanced and telltale sign that indicates a relationship is either in the crapper or sailing southward into Shitsville.
For your edification he has written this guide to help you recognize and avoid the most common of those pitfalls.
The goal for those in a relationship (monogamous): to give you solid, common sense advice to help you enhance your relationship and to provide a checklist for you to make absolutely certain and for sure that you’ve hooked up with the right person.
The goal for seeking singles and those in an open relationship: for you to ultimately find your life partner, that one special person with whom you will share your life… in a constant state of euphoria… forever. Or someone to get off with. Fair enough?
So sit back, read this guide at your leisure, don’t get too disturbed, and with a little dedication to the practices suggested by these pages; look forward to a life with your match made in heaven. We also guarantee you’ll have beautiful babies.
WARNING: All the good stuff is here, if you choose to ignore even the smallest and seemingly insignificant recommendation contained herein you do so at your own peril.
COMPATIBILITY AND PERSONALITY TYPES
How to recognize a personality type, those types you are most compatible with and those you should avoid (or just have it off with and never see again).
There are 52 different personality types and thousands of possible compatibility based connections. Here are 8 of the most common and one (personality type 6 ) extraordinary personality type:
Your partner calls you by another name at an intimate moment. The name of their ex? Not so bad. Particularly if the split was recent or the relationship long-lasting. The name of your best friend, son, daughter or your ex? That’s a full five bell alarm right there.
Your partner goes out with friends for a night out, doesn’t return home and doesn’t phone to let you know. Hate to give you the news, but this can only signal bad things. Either they’ve passed out, in which case neither they nor their friends think you are important enough to be informed about it; or they are banging the brains out of someone they’ve met that night. Could be a friend, could be a stray. Either way – Sucketh City.
Their family or friends or both think you are an a-hole/slag/waste of space. This can be beaten but its tough. If your partner is forever defending you, eventually they’ll get sick and tired of it. They’ll then have a choice to make – it’s between you and mommy, daddy and the rest of the losers that make up their family and that social retard of a sorry excuse for humanity they call a best friend… it’s not looking good for you is it?
All of the things your partner used to love about you, they now hate. And I mean HATE. There seems to be no explanation for it. Everything you do is wrong. Offense is taken at everything you say. Compliments are taken as insults etc… Sorry – you’re fucked. They’ve distanced themselves from you and are busying themselves by telling complete strangers that they can’t believe they ever found you attractive, that you’re a dud lay, and you have absolutely no redeemable qualities. Which may actually be true.
Your partner has never introduced you to their closest friends. So you think you’re in a relationship do you? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Your partner is your best friend but you don’t really fancy them, sex is… well… not happening … But hey! nothing better is coming along. Oh c’mon!! Puhlease. You are a wad.
Your partner would rather babysit all the neighbour’s kids than go on a date with you. My friend, you have just been jilted for a fun-filled evening of cleaning up shitty bottoms and wiping snotty noses. You’re a winner! …. not.
The sex isn’t what it used to be. People are always saying, “… you know after a while the sex isn’t going to happen with as much frequency [blah blah blah], with less fervor [blah blah blah], its just what happens.” BULLSHIT. Get on that thing people! This is a symptom of a much bigger problem that needs to be addressed immediately! It’s a sign that there’s something seriously wrong… not as big a sign as the huge cache of antibiotics and topical ointments you found hidden in your partners underwear drawer I warrant, but it’s a pretty big sign nonetheless.
Out of the blue your partner begins doing things that they used to do especially for you eg. wear/not wear certain items of apparel, wear perfume/cologne, take particular pride in their appearance. If they’re not doing it to turn you on, what do you reckon they’re doing? C’mon genius figure it out. Same goes for a lot of unusually late nights at the office. Do you think they’re balancing the books? They’re balancing something, I can tell you that much.
Your partner won’t “friend†you on Facebook or other Social Media sites. Does this make you feel unwanted? Or as though your partner is keeping secrets from you? Does it make you feel uneasy, like they may be having illicit relationships? There’s a good reason for that… they are. You dumbass.
When communicating to your partner a suspicion that they may be having an affair with a particular person they respond by telling you how crazy that suggestion is; that you are really mental and that your suspicious behaviour will herald the end of your relationship etc… Yeah, yeah. Thou protesteth too much Bozo. They’re def bangin’ baby! This is the perfect opportunity to put those stalking skills you’ve been honing to good use. Because there’s nothing more humiliating, dignity destroying and soul crushing than to catch the person you love with all your heart In flagrante – to be able to say I told you so.
These are just a few of the many, many red flags that can indicate a serious problem with your relationship. To learn more about how to repair your relationship and which types of person you are really compatible with, don’t forget to grab a copy of “On how to find your perfect partner, maintain a healthy relationship and be able to recognize when your relationship is going down the toilet – by a guy who has committed every mistake in the book – so you can be sure he hasn’t missed anyâ€, from your local Borders store.
By mentioning The Bloke Show you will receive a 25c discount off RRP, at all Borders book stores.
Happy Valentines Day everyone!
And always remember – Love: it’s what makes the world go around.