PREFACE – I’ve decided to include short excerpts from the book I’m reading at the time in each new post . Should be interesting. Don’t you love the randomness of it all?
Today my Reason and I trekked out to the Everett Childrens Museum, Baxie loves it there, he has a particular fondness for a life-sized bus that has a microphone for the driver to talk with the passengers. The boys wanted to go upstairs to the Museum’s play-heaven rooftop (numerous swinging apparatus, dinosaur bone-dig, castle etc…) so I had to hobble outside (we were parked directly out front) to pick up their coats. As I re-entered Jess and the two girls were stood directly in front of me.
I can’t tell you how shocked and excited I was to see them. The boys, once we’d tracked them down, were too. Big hugs with both of the girls, none from Jess, which wasn’t entirely unexpected. I wanted to tell Jess how great she looked and give her a hug too – but after two years those liberties aren’t so easily taken.
“… it was the same unmistakable ache and stab across the chest, the same sighs, the same pain, and above all the same reluctance and fear to approach.” From On The Road by Jack Kerouac
Jess said they were going downstairs to do some artwork, I asked if we could join them. She was her usual fab self with the boys and kept her distance from me, which was fine as it gave me chance to talk with the girls and ask them how school was, who their friends were, how their dad was. I told them how much we’d missed them and how much we love them. I told them that I think of them everyday.
We never made it to the rooftop it had begun raining and soaked kids (and parents) wasn’t really an option we welcomed.
I suppose all up the kids spent maybe 45 minutes together, I asked Jess what she was up to, how she’d been, how the girls were going (oh brother are they delightful young ladies!) it was all very convivial.
Then the kids went to the water-play area I sat beside Jess, and asked if I could give her a hug and kiss, an on the cheek variety is what was intended, but I don’t know if she took it that way. She replied that I couldn’t and that she was feeling put out.
“About the blog”
This came as a surprise to me as the other two blog entries I had written about Kory and Carita were taken in the spirit in which they were intended, namely a huge ‘thank you’ from me. Jess didn’t take it that way – and Im sorry for that. I asked her if there was anything I could do to right it, she said no.
What followed was a conversation which was totally inappropriate for the setting, I was seeking closure and said some things which could easily have been misread. I behaved like a wounded animal, which I am. When we broke up Jess and I never met face-to-face or even talked – she sent me a text message saying that she was seeing someone else. I told her that because I hadn’t had that closure I’d felt worthless. What I really wanted to say was that I was hurt and broken and I wished this conversation had taken place two years ago. She replied by saying that I hadn’t moved on and that she wanted to.
I told her she had clearly moved on two years ago and further made some disparaging comments and hurtful insinuations, some of which Im sure were imagined. What a Big stupid guy thing to do – I was well out of order. How wrong was that? Im so sorry, it is not my place to tell anyone how they feel or what the result of my actions have been.
Boy, did I get on a roll. At the time I had no idea what I was doing. I was clearly making her more and more uncomfortable as my purging continued which was not at all what I wanted to do. At the end of it all and she’d finally listened to enough, I had the gall to ask if the kids could see each other sometimes. Surprise, surprise! She said we would probably never see each other again – we were living different lives. Who can blame her? Don’t expect to be given candy after spitting out bile.
I asked her to say goodbye to the boys as she had never done this and they often ask to see the girls and Jess – she did. I hugged the girls again and they beat a hasty retreat.
I’d run this through my mind a thousand times I thought I’d imagined every possible scenario where this could take place . I’d done everything short of rehearse it … and when the time comes what do I do? Do I play it cool and approach things with reason,compassion and understanding? Do I fuck – I choke and act like a dick.
For the record what I wanted to say is this – its not as though we are going to start where we left off. Of course we are living different lives. Circumstances have drastically changed for us both. I hope we share an affection for each other and I think we both still love each others kids. Its the seeing each other as worthwhile people to get to know again that Im after – becoming friends again. Seeing each other as a worthwhile investment of time and hopefully enjoying each others company again. Its how life-long friendships are nurtured. I think that way of her and the girls and honestly I think Id feel that way about her ex as well. He and Jess are certainly raising two fine young women.
Will I always love Jess as a partner? – probably. I wouldn’t be the first. Might things change if she has a new partner? I don’t know. Would it be too hard for me to stand by and see her with another? – right now I’d say yes. In the future I don’t know.
At any rate I think they’re worth it. Id rather have them in my life than out. But after todays bloodletting who knows if they still see that in me?
Jess was so angry. I hope in the future that feeling dissipates and she can look back at our relationship with some feelings of happiness and tenderness. We certainly went through the most difficult passage in my life and it had to have been one of hers. We shared some loving and happy times despite horrible and trying circumstances.
I’m sorry for any difficulties I have caused as a result of this blog or any of my actions. I’ve only ever wanted to be of help and support.
Jess I ask for your forgiveness and understanding.
Maybe at some time in the future we can re-connect in some way and we can both be happy to see each other. Take me at my word Jess – I’ll be there should you call, and I’ll be more than delighted should you change your mind about the never-seeing-each-other-again bit.
This will be the final entry about Jess and the girls. They will always live in my heart and (once my tattoo is complete) on it.
As I explained to Jess in the water playroom during my confusing and desperate spleen explosion – the way my boys and I love – we are Forever guys.
“… the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what’s going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old…” From On The Road by Jack Kerouac.
To Jess and Jess’ family and friends who are following this blog, although there will be no further mention of you/her or the beautiful ladies, I would be honored if you continued to read this blog and follow this Everyman’s tale.