A lotta people ask me if there’s any diff’rences between Strine and the way ‘mericans talk. Well the short answer is yes, we make sense.
And youse blokes’ don’t know what yer on about ‘alf the time. But fer the sake of keepin’ the peace – ‘ere’s a few quick tips so you can understand us. (God knows why, ’cause we’re not eva gunna understand you).
Righto, for those who don’t know, the official language spoken in Striya is Strine. Or Strine English if ya want.
In Striya, it’s very important to have a name everyone can understand and remember.
Two quick rules to help ya with this. Rule number one: if yer name has more than one syllable its too long; make it one syllable and add either an ‘ee’ sound or an ‘oh’ sound to the end.
Rule number two: if yer name has one syllable add an “ee” or an “oh” onto it anyhow.
Common names: Davo, Pete-ee, Becco, Benji, Tommo, Craig-ee, Robbo. You’ve got the idea.
Nicknames are very popular in Striya. Striyans ‘ave a very sophisticated sense of oirony when it comes to nicknames. If yer a li’l overweight yer’ll be called ‘skinny’; conversely if yer a beanpole yer’ll be called ‘chubby’ or ‘muscles’…. Fuck’n funny hey?
If yer a redhead yer’ll be called ‘bluey’. If yer an academic: ‘dumbo’ (or if yer got li’l ears). If yer a big bloke yer’ll be called ‘tiny’, if yer a slow-movin, lumberin’ giant – ‘speedy’.
We like our ‘e’s’ ‘an ‘o’s’ hey?
So sort yer name out and prepare for yer nickname they’re the first things ta do. Nicknames like ‘Mr. Clean’ and ‘Chef’ are names to avoid cause noone’ll be comin ’round to your place for dinner, or fer anythin’ else fer that matter.
Strine – the laid back language
The way to truly speak with a Strine accent is to make as little effort while talkin’ as possible. Most Stryians don’t use their tongue, jaw or lips at all when they’re speakin’. Its why ventriloquist acts don’t go down too well in Striya – its very hard to tell who’s the ventriloquist an’ who’s the dummy. More than once a grateful audience member has offered a beer to the dummy for a fantastic show.
Next – neva, eva, eva put an ‘er’ on the end of a word. Use an ‘a’ sound (as in cat) instead. An’ there’s no letter ‘t’, its a ‘d’ in disguise. So: its not better; its bedda. Its not beauty; its bewdy. Its not wanker; its wanka – (usually with the prefix he’safuck’n).
The hard ‘i’ (eye) sound is always said ‘oi’ and the hard ‘a’ (ay) sound always sounds like the hard ‘i’ (eye) sound. Confused yet?
Neva say the letter ‘t’ or ‘g’ (when seen in the suffix ‘ing’) at the end of a word or ‘th’ or the letter ‘h’ at the start of a word – jus’ drop ’em off. Except, an’ this is an important exception, the word ‘herb’ which is said as it is spelled – because its bloody common sense.
We also like the word “forward”; its a good strong word. And we are partial to canned laughter with our comedy… its just who we are.
Righto, to re-cap – when it comes ta speakin’, think Nun’s kiss – nun jaw, nun lips, nun tongue. That might help. The words should flow out.
‘Eres an exercise that’ll sort ya out : fill yer mouth with water then say this phrase three times while tryin’ to fill a glass with the water from yer mouth – ” Oi don’t ‘eye’t ‘im, Oi loik ‘im, but ‘es abituvafuck’n wanka”.
If yer doin’ it right the water should cascade evenly from your mouth gushing forth without sputtering or physical interruption of any kind. This may take some practice for the uninitiated.
If ya want the exemplar for talkin’ Strine, no need to go past our own PM whose talkin’ is utter perfection.
Til next time – keep practicin’ ! I’ll leave ya with some bewdaful voicework from our own inimitable PM Julia Gillard.
NEXT LESSON – STRINE ETIQUETTE
SIMONS PRIME MINISTERIAL EGG