G'day

PREFACE – I’ve decided to include short excerpts from the book I’m reading at the time in each new post . Should be interesting. Don’t you love the randomness of it all?

Today my Reason and I trekked out to the Everett Childrens Museum, Baxie loves it there, he has a particular fondness for a life-sized bus that has a microphone for the driver to talk with the passengers. The boys wanted to go upstairs to the Museum’s play-heaven rooftop (numerous swinging apparatus, dinosaur bone-dig, castle etc…) so I had to hobble outside (we were parked directly out front) to pick up their coats. As I re-entered Jess and the two girls were stood directly in front of me.

I can’t tell you how shocked and excited I was to see them. The boys, once we’d tracked them down, were too. Big hugs with both of the girls, none from Jess, which wasn’t entirely unexpected. I wanted to tell Jess how great she looked and give her a hug too – but after two years those liberties aren’t so easily taken.

“… it was the same unmistakable ache and stab across the chest, the same sighs, the same pain, and above all the same reluctance and fear to approach.” From On The Road by Jack Kerouac

Jess said they were going downstairs to do some artwork, I asked if we could join them. She was her usual fab self with the boys and kept her distance from me, which was fine as it gave me chance to talk with the girls and ask them how school was, who their friends were, how their dad was. I told them how much we’d missed them and how much we love them. I told them that I think of them everyday.

We never made it to the rooftop it had begun raining and soaked kids (and parents) wasn’t really an option we welcomed.

I suppose all up the kids spent maybe 45 minutes together, I asked Jess what she was up to, how she’d been, how the girls were going (oh brother are they delightful young ladies!) it was all very convivial.

Then the kids went to the water-play area I sat beside Jess, and asked if I could give her a hug and kiss, an on the cheek variety is what was intended, but I don’t know if she took it that way. She replied that I couldn’t and that she was feeling put out.

“About the blog”

“Yes”

This came as a surprise to me as the other two blog entries I had written about Kory and Carita were taken in the spirit in which they were intended, namely a huge ‘thank you’ from me. Jess didn’t take it that way – and Im sorry for that. I asked her if there was anything I could do to right it, she said no.

What followed was a conversation which was totally inappropriate for the setting, I was seeking closure and said some things which could easily have been misread. I behaved like a wounded animal, which I am. When we broke up Jess and I never met face-to-face or even talked – she sent me a text message saying that she was seeing someone else. I told her that because I hadn’t had that closure I’d felt worthless. What I really wanted to say was that I was hurt and broken and I wished this conversation had taken place two years ago. She replied by saying that I hadn’t moved on and that she wanted to.

I told her she had clearly moved on two years ago and further made some disparaging comments and hurtful insinuations, some of which Im sure were imagined. What a Big stupid guy thing to do – I was well out of order. How wrong was that? Im so sorry, it is not my place to tell anyone how they feel or what the result of my actions have been.

Boy, did I get on a roll. At the time I had no idea what I was doing. I was clearly making her more and more uncomfortable as my purging continued which was not at all what I wanted to do. At the end of it all and she’d finally listened to enough, I had the gall to ask if the kids could see each other sometimes. Surprise, surprise! She said we would probably never see each other again – we were living different lives. Who can blame her? Don’t expect to be given candy after spitting out bile.

I asked her to say goodbye to the boys as she had never done this and they often ask to see the girls and Jess – she did. I hugged the girls again and they beat a hasty retreat.

I’d run this through my mind a thousand times I thought I’d imagined every possible scenario where this could take place . I’d done everything short of rehearse it … and when the time comes what do I do? Do I play it cool and approach things with reason,compassion and understanding? Do I fuck – I choke and act like a dick.

For the record what I wanted to say is this – its not as though we are going to start where we left off. Of course we are living different lives. Circumstances have drastically changed for us both. I hope we share an affection for each other and I think we both still love each others kids. Its the seeing each other as worthwhile people to get to know again that Im after – becoming friends again. Seeing each other as a worthwhile investment of time and hopefully enjoying each others company again. Its how life-long friendships are nurtured. I think that way of her and the girls and honestly I think Id feel that way about her ex as well. He and Jess are certainly raising two fine young women.

Will I always love Jess as a partner? – probably. I wouldn’t be the first. Might things change if she has a new partner? I don’t know. Would it be too hard for me to stand by and see her with another? – right now I’d say yes. In the future I don’t know.

At any rate I think they’re worth it. Id rather have them in my life than out. But after todays bloodletting who knows if they still see that in me?

Jess was so angry. I hope in the future that feeling dissipates and she can look back at our relationship with some feelings of happiness and tenderness. We certainly went through the most difficult passage in my life and it had to have been one of hers. We shared some loving and happy times despite horrible and trying circumstances.

I’m sorry for any difficulties I have caused as a result of this blog or any of my actions. I’ve only ever wanted to be of help and support.

Jess I ask for your forgiveness and understanding.

Maybe at some time in the future we can re-connect in some way and we can both be happy to see each other. Take me at my word Jess – I’ll be there should you call, and I’ll be more than delighted should you change your mind about the never-seeing-each-other-again bit.

This will be the final entry about Jess and the girls. They will always live in my heart and (once my tattoo is complete) on it.

As I explained to Jess in the water playroom during my confusing and desperate spleen explosion – the way my boys and I love – we are Forever guys.

“… the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what’s going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old…” From On The Road by Jack Kerouac.

POSTSCRIPT –

To Jess and Jess’ family and friends who are following this blog, although there will be no further mention of you/her or the beautiful ladies, I would be honored if you continued to read this blog and follow this Everyman’s tale.

Sorry about the delay I’ve been busy job hunting, writing the beginnings of a novel , at least I think it’ll end up a novel…maybe a novella? Reading some classics Ive been remiss in having not read and learning the guitar – my first song is well on its way – Fuck You by Cee-Lo Green. It’s hot, and thankfully only has three chords; well seven if you count the bridge. You really should count the bridge shouldn’t you?

The next post is about My Reason so I’d best get moving.

For all budding writers like myself – if you’ve ever become disconsolate about your lack of command of the language or your poor knowledge of correct grammar and punctuation, or simply that you’re writing crap; I include this sentence, written by Molly Ringle, winner of the 2010 Bulwer-Lytton Award. Where the entrants are invited “to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels” –

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss — a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.

Fabulous. A million thank-yous Molly, you give us all hope.

Added bonus – pictures from Baxters Dance/Movement showing at school… it includes a hysterically funny photo of grade one love (hint : check out the background)

The past ten months has been a particularly challenging time for me. In that time three remarkable women have made a significant and lasting impact on my life . In this three-part post I hope to pay a worthy tribute to them and offer them my sincere and heartfelt thanks.

The first sentence of the above preamble isn’t applicable to this entry. Jess has, in person and in absentia, been a part of my life for four years. Like Kory and Carita her impact on my life will be enduring.

When a relationship ends, all we are left with are memories. This is how I choose to remember Jess, preferring to look back with gratitude and love.

Great Lost Love – Jess

Where both deliberate, the love is slight: Who ever lov’d, that lov’d not at first sight? – Christopher Marlowe

Sonnet 116 William Shakespeare

I never believed in love at first sight before meeting Jess. I fell for her in a big way – at our first meeting almost literally. Jess was sitting at a table when I introduced myself, I couldn’t take my eyes off her, an idiot grin plastered on my face. I can’t tell you much about what we were talking about. What I can tell you is by the end of our conversation I found myself wondering how in God’s name I managed to get myself into a position where I was leaning down, my arms spread wide across the table, our faces no more than two feet apart. Embarrassed is not the word for what I was feeling as I dragged myself back up to a (far more dignified and respectful) standing position.

One day relatively early in our relationship, Jess and I met for a late lunch at a place special to us both – a place by the water I still sometimes visit. On this occasion she asked me to jump in her car, which I did, she then pulled out her laptop, inserted a flash drive and told me to read what she had written. I get goosebumps thinking about it today. She had written an intensely personal, honest and forthright account of her life, how she felt about me, how she felt when we were together, and what she hoped for the future. I have never been so moved, crying as I read, I knew I had never been so valued as a partner before. If I hadn’t been already hopelessly in love with her, I was now past all saving. I was all hers.

Jess never had a childhood, thrust into an adult world, with adult responsibilities from an age when she should have been playing with dolls. The often nightmarish details aren’t mine to share, suffice to say, not all outcomes are negative, it has formed her into the determined woman, and fiercely protective and loving mother she is.

One of the biggest concerns when starting a mixed family is how the children and parents will inter-react. And of course the same was true of ours. I can honestly say my fears were completely unfounded. Jess embraced my boys as hers, from day one she treated them with the same loving kindness and affection that she treated our girls.Her behavior towards our sons moved my ex (mother of the boys) to comment after Jess and I had picked up the boys one day “ I’m so glad Jess is loving with the boys.” When the kids played together (and Jess with them) I would often take time to sit apart, watch them play and think to myself how fortunate I was. To this day I think Jess’ place, her calling, is with children – they idolize her and she loves them.

About one thing Jess has always been completely straightforward – she needs security and stability, the things she has been without all her life. Love simply isn’t enough. This, given her past, is a completely reasonable expectation. Ironically, Jess is at her very best when she is at her most vulnerable. She’s open, sincere, loving, communicative, gentle, responsive, giving… just fucking mind-blowingly astounding. It is also the time when she is most likely to fly.

There are many individual moments that distinguished our relationship from any other I’ve been in. One of the most telling is Jess’ relationship with my family. For those not in the know, Jess and I always had an off again/on again relationship, which was largely determined by my ability (or inability) to provide a financially stable and secure environment for our family. The first time we split this was not the case however, Jess told me she wanted to try to work things out with her ex for the sake of the girls and that she had decided to move back in with him. Of course I was heartbroken but I told her I respected her decision. My parents were visiting from Australia at the time and I was moving into a temporary residence. I needed to collect some of my things from the place where Jess was living and I asked dad to help me collect some of my gear, I could use the company. I had not told my parents about Jess at all.

Jess wasn’t there when we arrived and the place was a bit of a mess outside – discarded packing boxes and plastic lay wet and soiled at the entrance to the basement. We decided to pick it up and dispose of it for her. When Jess finally arrived I briefly introduced her to my dad as she unlocked the house. Dad helped me grab my gear, and as I let him take the last load to the truck I said what I thought were my last goodbyes to Jess. We hugged and I kissed her on the cheek as dad stood waiting by the truck. As I was returning dad told me to wait and – I’ll never forget this as long as I live – he went over to Jess hugged her and said “I hope we will see you again.” Jess released early from what came as a surprise embrace and turned to go inside whereupon my dad followed her for a couple of steps and repeated, this time in earnest, “ I mean that – I hope we see you again.”

This may seem like a wholly unremarkable series of events, to me it was nothing short of earth-shattering. This kind of response from either parent in relation to a friend or girlfriend had no precedent. My dad didn’t even know we were seeing each other. They hadn’t shared two sentences with each other! Were my feelings for Jess so transparent ? Or our feelings for each other that obvious? Or equally likely, and I know this is going to sound just plain nuts, did dad just think Jess was the right girl for me? I say this because dad had (and continues to have) a very strong love for Jess and thinks the world of her. To make matters worse – so does my whole bloody family. My brother and sister-in-law – who had met Jess once on a family trip to Italy – both asked upon my recent return to Australia how Jess was and both said how much they liked her. They know we’ve split-up! Its been nearly two years now! JESUS H CHRIST. My family has always stayed out of my relationships, we’ve stayed out of each others. Always. Whenever I brought a girlfriend home the best I’d previously got was the cursory nod (or shake) and a “she seems lovely Si” or “she seems a little _________” [Insert – loud, shy, silly etc…] Not for Jess, Oh no! She still gets the royal bloody “How is she? How are the girls? How are her Mum and Dad?” My family haven’t even bloody well met her parents …or the girls for that matter. Lessons in – How to Make a Guy Feel Completely and Utterly Miserable – courtesy of The Family Houghton.

The fact remains I have a connection with Jess that I have found with no other – physically, emotionally or intellectually. Our relationship was very passionate. Jess is a highly sensual and sensitive woman she’s everything I needed.

Glitter In The Air – Pink

From the very first I never so much as looked at another woman – not once. To say this took me by surprise would be an understatement – I always assumed it was normal to notice if an attractive woman entered the room, kind of an aesthetic appreciation kinda thing, it had always occurred in my previous relationships – no disrespect to my prior partners whatever. It just didn’t happen when I was with Jess. Not when I was with her; not when I was without her. It never happened – not ever. Maybe it’s just that I felt loved and happy and knew I was with the most beautiful woman in the world.

Jess knows how to touch my heart, she created artworks, made me a hand-knitted scarf, a pottery cup and saucer, bought us a pair of coffee cups, one each, with World capitals embossed with a rococo font upon them, she made painted imprints of our kids hands and framed them; she wrote me the most wonderful love letters and cards they are amongst some of the many things she gave me that I still hold precious. Most meaningful to me was the way she cared for me, in such a way, with such an intensity and commitment that I cannot adequately express how loved she made me feel. The way she would touch my face, hold me in her arms or just smile at me.

When Jess and I had occasion to discuss business matters, mine or hers; clear the decks. These were some of my favorite times when we would come into our own. The conversation would come alive. Ideas bounce off walls, arms flail, diagrams and notes change hands. Humble beginnings would grow into endless possibilities. Magic “what ifs” speed through the air. Coffee is consumed at a furious rate, cigarette rules are broken, late night runs are made for… well… whatever we fancy.

if the kids weren’t home-

“I’ll go”

“Can I come with…?”

“Pleaaaase do!”

If the kids were in bed –

“…I’ll go”

“Hurry back”

“Oh God, I will”

On returning , more scribbling. “When you were gone I had this great idea…” More papers change hands. Laughter. Logos. Diagrams. Marketing concepts. Wild hair (at least on Jess’ behalf). More coffee. Massive table mess. Move to the floor. More laughter. More cigarettes. “Look at this!” God forbid our hands ever touch – that would be the end of that. These “meetings” invariably end up with more than a meeting of the minds.

Just before we split for the final time I experienced a memorable surreal moment. I had shown up unannounced with our two girls at the up-scale women’s clothing store where she was then working – she was so surprised to see us she flashed me one of her “I’m-so-happy-to-see-you” smiles. I was so taken aback that I literally became lost, completely unaware of where I was, I couldn’t hear a thing – it was as though the whole world had melted and all I could see was the wonderful woman I loved. I still remember her becoming impatient with me, as I wasn’t responding to what she was saying. I should have held her or kissed her or told her how amazing she was – but I didn’t, I just stood there dumbfounded. I don’t know if I’ve ever told her to this day what had happened. Well, now she knows I guess.

VIDEO : Start Video at 1:20 Machine With Chair – Arthur Ganson

There were often times like that, when Jess’ love came at me out of the blue; hitting me like a huge wave, sweeping me up to leave me floating – surrounded in her warmth and light. During these times, that were not uncommon and not fleeting – sometimes lasting for entire days, nothing was wrong in my world – nothing.

During our time together I took thousands of photographs of Jess, of Jess and the kids in all sorts of places – at restaurants, in Dallas and Italy when we vacationed, berry picking, playgrounds, pools and performances. Ive looked and looked and theres not one photo of us – not one of the two of us together… figures huh?

A few days ago I severed all ties with Jess, I had to, something in me broke. I can’t explain it more clearly than that. I told my good friend Kory that I felt like howling at the moon. Kory, in her wisdom, suggested I do. And so I did, loud and long. I don’t think it will be the last time I do that.

Jess is an advocate of children’s rights, the PTA President at her daughter’s school and a protector of the environment, establishing (with her eldest daughter) a grassroots, earth friendly school activity group. She is also the founder and CEO of her own business – My Eco MO. To meet Jess is to come face-to-face with a force of nature – she is the elements combined. Jess is an effervescent, bright, quick-witted , loving, loyal and beautiful woman. She is purely and simply glorious and completely unforgettable.

So on this Thanksgiving day 2010, Id like to thank you Jess – my Great Lost Love for all the wonderful things you added to my life and I wish you and the girls all the love, peace and happiness this world can offer.

Nick Cave – Into My Arms

POSTSCRIPT – 11/25 9:30pm – More gritty realism less florid romance OR How to undo 2351 romantic words with 539 considerably less romantic ones

‘I am fire and air; my other elements
I give to baser life.’

Cleopatra
Antony and Cleopatra (scii)

OK If this were a court trial I would refer my detractors/ accusers to my ‘its all there in black-and-white (very sneakily placed I admit, though not at all in small print) third paragraph disclaimer’; which reads in part : ” This is how I choose to remember Jess, preferring to look back with gratitude and love.”

Is this not clear enough?? So, I painted some dark browns, ochre. OK more like some pitch black’s, golden. Isn’t there such a thing as poetic license people?

In nature isn’t light balanced with dark? I was leaving it up to you guys to finish the picture here – its much more fun that way – believe me.
Does your humble servant have to do everything for you guys? Really?

If you insist –

She’s Only Happy In The Sun – Ben Harper

Jess is also the single most impossible bloody-minded (US readers- read intractable) individual in the universe with an unfathomable ability to be able to change her mind at the drop of a hat. One minute swearing that a person is a lazy, pathetic, disorganized, unreliable good-for-nothing, the next insisting they are amazing and talented and altogether phenomenal; without feeling the least need for any kind of justification whatsoever.

Getting Jess to change her mind once it’s set? Good luck with that compadre!

Jess also has a proclivity towards impulsiveness and, like the author of this blog, the frequent usage of hyperbole is not a habit she steers away from.

She also seems to like moving houses – a lot… oh and her choice of career path too. Well, you know what they say – a change is as good as a holiday.

When wronged or if Jess feels wronged, I’ve witnessed her trample on grown men and women alive. Actually it’s not trampling per se, it’s more like nuclear vaporization. Not a trace of them is left to memory. Where they go to is anyones guess. Maybe she has a collection of shrunken heads stashed somewhere? The more I think about this, the more I’m sure of it.

Forgiveness is not a quality that comes easily to Jess, this process can take months or years if you’re persistent…and contrite to the point of self flagellation… if you’re not…or a repeat offender… well, lets put it this way – I can feel my head diminishing in size as I type.

Ok. Happy now? You’re not getting all of her lesser adorable features. Thats it! So back off!

I hoped that when seeing Jess again, which I undoubtedly will at some point in my life, I would see her as a collection of the above mentioned traits and she will have magically transformed into the Wicked Witch of The West complete with warty nose, hunchback and a raspy heckle; a good dose of obesity, goitre and running sores wouldn’t hurt either. But I know that’s not going to happen. The truth is, as unlikely as it sounds, I find the above mentioned traits endearing, quite adorable actually. You don’t love someone for their strong points – everyone does that. You love someone not despite their bad points but because of them. Some are character traits that have developed as a result of your partner’s life experiences and some are simply essential parts of their personality . They are things you can not only live with – they are things you learn to embrace – even if they sometimes frustrate you to the point of chewing off your own fingers.

” His love for my mother wasn’t about looking back and loving something that would never change. It was about loving my mother for everything – for her brokenness and her fleeing, for her being there right then in that moment… It was about touching that hair with the side of his fingertip, and knowing yet plumbing fearlessly the depths of her ocean eyes.
My mother could not bring herself to say ‘I love you’. ” From The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold

If you don’t buy that …or more importantly she doesn’t… I’m fucked. Don’t be surprised if you’re one day visiting a Natural History Museum and that brown leathery thing with sunken eyes encased in glass looks vaguely familiar – she’ll have sold me.

The past ten months has been a particularly challenging time for me. In that time three remarkable women have made a significant and lasting impact on my life . In this three-part post I hope to pay a worthy tribute to them and offer them my sincere and heartfelt thanks.

Beautiful – Carita

It is 1983, I am 17, going to the same school I am is a 16 year-old super cute hippy chick with a slight figure, a sweet open face and lush bee-stung lips. This girl is clever – she’s engaging and displays a flashing sense of humour. She posseses a genuine and infectious laugh but perhaps her most immediately discernible quality is that she is utterly and breath-of-fresh-air refreshingly free of pretension – with her, what you see is what you get. She is politically savvy and is no wallflower – outspoken in matters about which she cares, especially ethical or moral issues. In discussions that broach these subjects she is fast to enter the fray, arguing her case with a conviction and fortitude that more than makes up for the occasional lack of cohesive logic apparent in her argument. Her heart rules her head . A big and mighty heart it is too. She is feisty enough to keep you on your toes and confident enough to keep you chasing. She is well-liked and confirms her position in the upper echelon of the school’s hierarchy with a non-manipulative, wholly genuine choice of boyfriend, my good friend Mike. Mike is a year older (kudos points) Mike is tall about 6’4”-ish (bonus points) Mike is handsome (kudos points) Mike is mysterious – he’s Canadian ( bonus kudos points) and Mike is a really nice guy (extra extra kudos points). She’d be a dead-set danger if she wasn’t going out with Michael, which places her in the safety zone – the no-flirt, no-touch, she’s-taken zone. This of course doesn’t prevent me from occasionally noticing when she bestows one of her trademark come-hither-young-man glances upon him – hip thrust to the side, head tilted ear to shoulder, killer shy/come-to-me combo smile. She doesn’t have any idea that the effect is at once enchantingly sweet and devastatingly sexy – she just knows it works. It works well. Poor Mike. The trouble with this one is that, even at our tender age, it is patently clear she is a keeper.

Fast forward to today. Mike didn’t marry Carita – well we were kids really weren’t we? Mike and Carita are still friends and its this friendship that enables me to re-connect with Carita via Facebook. For those of us who are distant from our homeland, our friends and family, Facebook is an invaluable connection point.

Life takes its toll on us all in many different ways, we all face situations and fortuitous events that change us and shape us. Some of us are fortunate and circumstances generally smile upon us, others seem to stumble from one test to another, others are ravaged by fate. Carita is a person to whom the latter category is applicable.

Given a magic wand there are many things that I would eradicate from the human experience – heartbreak, war, betrayal, religious zealots, debilitating illnesses, republicans etc… Chief amongst them would be this – that no child would pass away before his/her parents, as a parent, I can imagine no greater pain. Close behind this on my eradication list would be the indignities experienced by the dishonorable dissolution of a marriage. Particularly if it involves a relationship that spanned more than 20 years. Next on the list – facing the loss suffered by the passing of a parent. Carita has faced/is facing all of these. She has lived through some of my greatest fears.

To think that Carita’s story is one of unbearable pain, sorrow and misfortune would be completely understandable – but that’s not the way Carita sees it. Supported by loving parents, a son mature beyond his years and a veritable army of caring and fiercely loyal friends and colleagues she strides through life maintaining a positive outlook, exhibiting a strength of character and determined will that is genuinely inspiring.

When I started speaking with Carita I had no idea of her past and was going through my “Great Lost Love” episode. She was a great strength to me, listening patiently and dispensing advice that was supportive , understanding and enlightening. Carita hasn’t lost any of her joie de vivre and we often have conversations that are distinguished by the sheer amount of laughter we share. She is a beautiful, resilient, selfless woman. She is a joy to be with . You know that question? The one that asks “if you could have dinner with any four people from history who would they be?” Carita would be at my table. Passionate about art and the arts and especially passionate when speaking about the children she teaches (she is a first grade teacher) and the love of her life – her wonderful son Luis.

As our relationship developed and I got to know more about her past it became clear that my woes paled in comparison to hers. Led by her example my attitude changed and the way I look at life has drastically altered. I am a better person for knowing her and am grateful to her beyond words.

Carita remains to be (in her own words lifted from her facebook profile) – “A brash girl. Mother to bohemian boy. Proud mummy to the boy who had the life of Riley. Step mother to boho girl. Teacher and mentor to many. Frustrated actress, artist, altruist, antagonist, architect and academic.”

If I possessed a magic wand that could ensure someone had a charmed future filled with love, happiness and light – Carita, you would be on the top of my list – and no one would be more deserving.