The trouble with Facebook is you Pt 1

There’s nothing wrong with Facebook, I’ve got nothing against FB or Mark Zuckerberg personally or anything, I don’t even know the bloke. But I do have something against the 500,000,000 or so users of FB (or a good proportion of them).

These are my issues –

Stop writing your status updates in the third person

“________ is going to the pub for some nice fish and chips with his best mate @ (best mate’s name) and his trusty sheepdog @ (sheepdog’s name – who also happens to have an FB page)”.

This sentence is about an unnamed person’s trip to their local establishment and I (the reader) am probably not interested in them at all – and am probably especially not interested in @ (sheepdogs name) who I’ve heard barks way too much and tends to get a bit nippy.

Please God! Whatever happened to the first person singular?

What’s wrong with “I” or “I’m”? as in: “I’m about to put a gun to my head, I’m that fucking lonely” – there you go, that’s a legitimate sentence and a perfectly reasonable status update.

I’m prepared to cut some slack for people with good reason to continue this unfortunate practice. Like those who have a multiple personality disorder… or those in the middle of an identity crisis, or an existential crisis or are in high school (in which case you are probably suffering from all three). Or those who feel so displaced by the blistering pace of technology that they have become chronically discombobulated or those who don’t speak English – I can hardly expect you to learn English to write your status updates, now can I? LOL. Or those people in an unfulfilling relationship, who don’t wish to be identified.

In other words – would Mr. Reginald Watson of 62 Bairstow Rd Towcester NN12 in the UK please cease this annoying practice.

Please let the subject of your status updates be something that someone… something that anyone could give a shit about.

“I’m seeing ‘Lincoln Lawyer’ this afternoon, really looking forward to it!” – WTF????

“(Your name) is at Wanky Panky Cafe with @ (mate 1 ) and @ (mate 2)” – Really? NOW? Just stay there! I’ll catch the first flight back home from my one week’s annual vacation in Barbados to be there. Can’t wait to see you guys! I miss you!

“After three wonderful years of living together I’ve asked @ (girlfriends name) – my gorgeous girl to marry me… and she said “yes!!!!” – well hoo-fucking-ray.

“Barry is leaving me”. – Jesus! Who couldn’t have seen that coming? Big Woop.

“The doctors have told us that (son’s or daughter’s name) has (an unpronounceable and incurable wasting disease)”. – Deal with it sunshine!

“Apparently Charlie is hanging upside down from the Empire State Building next to Martin’s ex’s granddaughter; who is underage! – now this is a status update.

Oh how incredible… look at your frickin’ cat – its wearing a party hat – that’s hilarious!

Your cat is just too dang cute. Actually, no its not. This is the stuff of the mentally infirm. I don’t want to see your cat, dog, pony or parrot. I don’t want to see a funny photo of a camel, panda, penguin or polar bear. They’re animals.

So funny!

Actually, personally I understand the limitless mirth you find in those photographs, in fact I find it hard to control myself when I visit a zoo. Zoos are just too funny. You can tell who the FB folk are by the uncontrollable laughter that emanates from the elephant exhibit. Elephants are hysterical! My zoo has a new Shark exhibit too. Its crazy! It reminds me of that photo of a shark leaping out of the water to eat the helicopter. That’s real. No for real, that’s real. Its not ‘shopped or anything. My friend Federico told me… and he’s a hairdresser. He does the hair of Julia who’s husband is Mike Zapetti … you know… he’s a professional photographer. For real. He took a photo of like some African royalty once, and it was published in their; you know, the African version of like… TV Guide. He’s famous. And he’d know. That photograph of the shark. And the helicopter. It’s for real.

Got the picture?

Its for real

Heres an idea – Why d*n’t y*u st*p p*tting l*ttle st*rs ov*r w*rds wh*n ev*ryb*dy kn*ws wh*t th*se w*rds are?

Lets play a game. What word is this?
You have three guesses.
Fack? No, no its not fack. Good try though! Two more guesses!
Flck? No. Wrong again. Not Flck. Better luck next time! One more guess.
Wait … let me help you out. Its… hold on… plug your ears… the word is FUCK. Does that help?

Same with dam* or b*tch or c*cks*cker . We’re going to guess petal. We will. Truly. But really we’re meant to guess though aren’t we? You cheeky so-and-so.

We are big boys and girls now, so just fucking spell it out for us. Okay? xx : )

No, I won’t copy and paste your saccharine message about loving my child and place it on my wall.

Of course I love my children, and yes they are amazing and yes, they do fill my life with joy. But I clearly don’t love my children as much as you do yours. You there. You. You with your kids faces on a t-shirt, and the little happy sticker stick family on the back of the family van/wagon. You, the person who is beating up their children at the traffic lights while they are fighting in the back seat. The person whose actions I’m ignoring because I know just by looking at those happy family stickers that you are a good person, someone who is much nicer than me. You should win a prize, you’re that nice.

What a lovely family

Oh BTW I’m not cut and pasting anything else on my wall either. Not for the brave firefighters, the amazing law enforcement officers or for the worthy cause of your choice. And definitely not for the Glory of F**king G*d. Just so as you know.

Hmmm. I see by the constant updates on your wall that something newsworthy has happened, I don’t need to “like” CNN. Because I have you.

You wanted to be a journalist when you finished High School? No! I never would have guessed. But I must say how fantastic you are at trawling all the news sites and posting only the best stuff on your wall. You’re so good at it. Uh-huh. Yep, you’re that good. You have the latest news on your wall faster than Reuters can post updates. I’ve actually thought about nominating you for The Walkley Award for services to Journalism. Yep. Really.

No, not really. You’re an idiot.

Girls, girls, girls what is it with continually calling each other “lady” ?

I’ve never witnessed any of you calling each other “lady” when you see each other in person. Its a bit weird. I mean I know you like each other and everything but isn’t this a bit much? Really, you’re turning FB into some kind of mutual admiration society. It’s a little cloying. Isn’t it enough just to be friends?

And where will it end? Will guys have to start calling you “lady” too? I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. Lets make a deal – I wont have to call you “lady” and I promise I won’t call you “dirty streetwalking slut”. That’s good enough isn’t it?

The Lady of Shallot

Continued in – The trouble with Facebook is you Pt 2


About Simon

Simon Houghton creator of The Bloke Show started life as a baby, going on to become a boy and then a man, at which time he became an actor. As time passed he went on to be a director, later still he became a sales guy, then a business owner. Most recently he regressed and became a writer. Then a driver, then an actor again. Decisiveness is not one of his strong suits.
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4 Responses to The trouble with Facebook is you Pt 1

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