Australia – Socialist, Dangerous, Unfriendly

It is a sad day. In a thinly veiled attempt to encourage tourism and immigration, the Australian Government has lined the pockets of  the 2011 Economist Intelligence Unit whose report of the world’s most liveable cities numbers four Australian cities in the top ten. How ridiculous is that?

The tourism industry at home must be really suffering and one can’t help but be sympathetic to its plight, however this calculated and deceptive stance isn’t doing anyone any favours: not the Aussie tourism industry , not the Australian public, not the citizens of the fine cities to whom these accolades (huh!) rightly belong and especially not to the unwitting  EIU report reader who might actually think that Australia is a not-to-be-missed tourist destination or a place one might actually want to live.  The truth is Australia is a socialist, dangerous, unfriendly shithole.

The people at the EIU sneakily justify their city rankings by using outdated criteria. According to the EIU website – each city is assigned a score for over 30 qualitative and quantitative factors across five broad categories:

* stability
* health care
* culture and environment
* education
* infrastructure

As far as I can see if you’re living in a developed western country, all of these categories  are, you know (give or take a war in the Middle East  or two, an uninsured death or thousand, and the like) the same. What differentiates NY from Melbourne? Sydney from Paris? The criteria should reflect what’s important to the average bloke.

To address this terrible wrong, I propose the introduction of five easy-to-remember new categories that are definable and measurable  and most importantly, categories that really paint an accurate picture of the examined city’s liveability for the average punter.

New suggested categories

  • responsibilityility – the ability  and propensity of a city to be fiscally responsible.
  • fatalityality – the chances of being killed by something nasty.
  • Hospitalityility – a friendliness rating.
  • affordabilityality – how much does it cost?
  • employabilityness – the chances of getting a job.


    The liveability of Australian cities is much more difficult to quantify separately using this criterion as Australians are so heavily taxed federally for such wasteful and unprofitable things as a nationalized health system and education. Yet they don’t even have Macys in Australia. No Macys. Can you imagine? No Nordstroms. No Neiman Marcus. No Saks. No Jack-in-the box. No In-n-out. It is a place to brush up on your basic survival strategy. Each city is more than happy however, to part with hard earned tax-payer dollars on public transportation, parks, roads and infrastructure. Nutty. Wheres the cash to encourage (subsidize) businesses to set up shop in these cities? None to be found. Barmy and grossly irresponsible.

    Responsibilityility Rating – A dismal 1 out of 5.


    Do we really need to go here? The moment you step on Australian soil you might as well kiss your life goodbye. Every Australian city is overrun with creatures of the fatal variety, from spiders to stingers, sharks to snakes and stonefish to scorpions – if its dangerous, could kill you and begins with the letter “s” – Australia’s got it. Depending upon the geographical location of the Australian city in question, they get loads of natural disasters too – earthquakes, cyclones, floods ,droughts, landslides and bushfires.
    What I’m saying is that you probably want to think twice before stepping off the plane at all.

    Fatalityality Rating – A deadly 1 out of 5 (1 being death certain!)

    Sydney at night


    Australia is a country of criminals and reprobates if you’re expecting loving welcomes’ think again. True, the gun ownership rate in Australia is very low compared with other parts of the world, so although they may want to shoot tourists on sight, Australians are far more likely to mow visitors down with withering glances and hurtful remarks.


    You are an American citizen, and in passing an Australian hears your accent and asks “Are you a American by any chance?” What he/she actually means is “Why don’t you fuck off home?”
    Bet ya didn’t know that.

    The grin isn’t friendly, its a baring of teeth: threatening behaviour. The correct safety response here is to avert your gaze, profusely apologize, deny having ever voted for either President Bush, offer any alcohol you may have in your possession to the aggressive native and slowly back away. Failure to do this could result in the wild Australian pinning back his ears and marking his territory. I’m pretty sure you don’t really want to know what that entails.


    You are French; a smartarse Aussie approaches and says “Bonjour, Monsieur. Comment allez-vous aujourd’hui? Eh bien, je l’espère.” This is actually code for “Watch out boys, this ones a frog, and you know how useful they were in the war”.

    The correct response is nearly identical to the American response, except DO NOT offer French wine, this will be taken as an act of aggression.

    Australians are a conniving, backhanded mob, if you are visiting and someone says “G’day” it should be taken as a warning. At this point you should be scuttling back to your hotel room to gather your belongings and call the airline to book seats on the next departing plane for your homeland.

    Hospitalityility Rating – A generous 2 out of 5. They probably won’t kill you.

    Its a trap - Australians posing as tourists - notice their aggressive behavior.


    It’ll cost you about a years wages and at least a day of your life to get there and the same to get back. Everything is really, really expensive. Tipping is not customary in Australia but it is expected that visitors, when dining out, also pay for the meals of all those seated at adjacent tables. Houses are expensive, food is expensive, cars are really expensive and clothing is… well look at Australians will ya? They are truly socialists dressed up in socialist’s clothing.

    Affordabilityality Rating – 1 out of 5.


    No one in Australia is employed. They spend all of their time at the (heavily polluted) beaches, surfing, fishing and lying around in the sun. When they do actually deign to work every other day is a day off … its either a “sickie” (a day taken off due to “ill health”) or one of the public holidays listed hereunder:

    New Year’s Day Monday 3 January
    *in addition to Saturday 1 January
    *in addition to Monday 2 January
    Australia Day Wednesday 26 January
    Labour Day Monday 14 March
    Good Friday Friday 22 April
    The Saturday before Easter Sunday
    Saturday 23 April
    Easter Monday Monday 25 April
    ANZAC Day Tuesday 26 April
    *substitute for Monday 25 April
    Queen’s Birthday Monday 13 June
    Melbourne Cup Day Tuesday 1 November
    Christmas Day Tuesday 27 December
    *substitute for Sunday 25 December
    Boxing Day Monday 26 December

    Please note as evidenced above, if a public holiday falls on a weekend an EXTRA day is given for the holiday.

    Don’t go thinking that because Australians don’t work there is a glut of jobs around, this isn’t so. Think logically here, there are no Australians working ….therefore….. there are no jobs. It’s as simple as that.

    Employabilityness Rating – 1 out of 5 . No jobs.


    Australia is a third world backwater in the middle of nowhere inhabited by heathens. This is not a place that is deserving of a liveability rating at all, nevermind four cities in the top ten! Australia is NOT a place to emigrate to, a fact that is perhaps best summarized by the PM who has clearly had a change of heart.

    She writes –

    “Thanks for your interest in Australia. It is probably best you should know that we are a poor and fundamentally unfriendly people who wish to be left alone in our destitution and misery. It would be best if you considered more accommodating places for your new place of residence. I hear that Somalia is nice this time of year. Thanks for your understanding.
    Oh, nearly forgot – Australia rocks!”

    The PM

    Not The Prime Minister - just some ugly surf troll (photo not taken in Australia)

    Simons Easter Egg

    About Simon

    Simon Houghton creator of The Bloke Show started life as a baby, going on to become a boy and then a man, at which time he became an actor. As time passed he went on to be a director, later still he became a sales guy, then a business owner. Most recently he regressed and became a writer. Then a driver, then an actor again. Decisiveness is not one of his strong suits.
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