SIMON’S EASTER EGG
Before anyone gets upset this song is influenced by Camus’ novel L’Étranger (The Stranger) . It’s about honesty and environment and disclosure.
Continuing the Tradition – Streaking
A play-off game at Lang Park was never complete without some wally (no disrespect to The King) having one too many, disrobing, leaping the fence and waltzing across the field to pat their favorite player on the back to thank him for his hard work in the ruck. To go to the lengths of stripping down and cartwheeling gear out, is an effort well appreciated by the players, as it certainly is by the crowd.
This, my friends, is only the beginning of the ritual that is the lost art of streaking.
Eventually, some policemen will feel obliged to end the jollity, chasing the offender; usually all over the paddock, where the nude frolicker mock weaves, gives a fancy step or two, pretends to kick the footy, or other similarly hilarious antic, before at last being cornered and tackled by the constabulary, who from there escorts them to a paddy wagon for their final journey to the watch house – all to the resounding cheers (and boos, once they are caught) of the amassed spectators.
... and you were wondering why a bobby's helmet was shaped like that
The streaking artistes were never mistreated, never tasered, mostly went quietly and were sometimes even seen having a friendly chat with the coppers as they left the field. Streakers, back in the day, were held in high esteem. They were highly valued members of the community, and as such were afforded great respect.
This whole ‘banning of people who encroach upon the playing surface’ garbage has to stop. What happened to the whole embracing of people’s choices that is so encouraged in today’s accepting society?
Streaking is an exhilarating and entertaining pastime, that comes as a welcome respite from the heat of battle for the players and fans alike. It’s a wholesome, bonding pastime that families can enjoy together.
In days past a father’s responsibilities were unfulfilled if they didn’t teach their sons about streaking. Fathers teach them today! Teach them the correct amount of alcohol to consume in order to pluck up enough courage to make the dash whilst maintaining enough co-ordination to put up a good chase and keeping enough wits about themselves to be trickily evasive… so as to make the doltards chasing them appear like inept, donut eating buffoons. Encourage them to develop their own style! Bill ‘hello mom’ Carter would ring home in the middle of a streak. Magnus ‘hide and seek’ Turner would pretend to hide behind a player, referee or billboard, before being captured. A signature move is only limited by imagination.
Theme your streak - nice
There are many skills to teach before allowing your charges to take on their ‘maiden’ streak! Teaching them to how to run and avoid the dreaded ‘nut squeeze’, for example is very, very important. Never forget, what is now considered a fundamental lack of form has brought some of the greatest streakers of our time writhing to the ground. One day your offspring might want to have offspring of their own. Learn the lesson taught by the famous ‘dash and grab’ streak at the 1978 RL Grand Final. The tragically mistimed side-step that caused the early retirement of Macca ‘the horse’ Macpherson, who never did quite recover from his crippling ‘nut squeeze’ mishap. To this day you can still catch Macca walking gingerly to the shops – leaning slightly to the left and packing to the right.
His boys never did take up the ‘dash for glory’. Sad.
Julia 'jazz hands' - working hard on improving police/ streaker relations
Girls, never fear, you can participate in these events too! This is not just a man’s domain, the loudest roars of approval are always reserved for the women who decide to take the starkers bolt across the park. There have been many famous women streakers. Carol ‘the mad bitch’ Stankovicsz and ‘Ready for take-off’ Sally Birtles, being two notable pioneers of the sport. Mothers – encourage your daughters to continue this noble tradition; teaching girls how to gracefully glide across the ground while maintaining their feminine allure, as they desperately attempt to elude capture, is no mean feat.
A word to the wise: approach the local Elementary/Primary school for the use of their playground after school to practice. It often yields positive results to the delight of teachers, neighbors and the many pre-teen students, some of whom will stay long after school finishes.
Having made my case for the reintroduction and wider acceptance of streaking as the traditional and fulfilling pastime that it is, I offer a word of caution – streaking isn’t for everyone. If you have bad acne or are not in good physical shape, if you have scarring or are deformed from burns; if you have a missing appendage, excessive cellulite or varicose veins; if you have psoriasis, alopecia or alternatively are too hirsute; if you have unsightly surgical marks; if you have misshaped breasts or one breast clearly larger than the other; if you have man-boobs; if you have strange looking or inverted nipples; if you are an accountant; if there is anything unsightly about your genitalia; if you have a small dick (large dicks are fine); if you are prone to fast onset erections; if your teeth are discolored or you are in need of orthodontic work; if you have ever felt the urge to masturbate in public; if you are knock-kneed or have bowed legs; if you have an exploding bum or are too pear-shaped; if you are anorexic, bulimic or fear you may inadvertently up-chuck; if you limp, cannot run in a straight line have flailing arms when in full flight, are uncoordinated or have another impediment that might hinder a fast getaway; if you have skin like a saggy baggy elephant or are a fatty boom-boom – streaking is not for you.
SIMONS EASTER EGG
Posted in Commentary
Tagged Academy Awards, david niven, nude school, Oscars, painters and dockers, police, rugby league, sport, streak, streakers, streaking, tradition
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Easter Cartoons
A collection of worthy cartoons I have scoured for whilst surfing to bring you some joy on an otherwise dour, albeit chocolate covered holiday.
Most cartoons have their source somewhere on them and I strongly encourage you to visit those sites. Where the source is unmentioned it is unknown.
Happy Easter!
Redmond is an abomination
Every time a wedding takes place in Redmond, the cure for cancer is setback three years.
And Christina Aguilera inches her way ever closer to becoming a 7.
The greenies like to point at climate change, the loony right like to point at Obama, the liberals like to point at FOX Channel. I say if you want proof positive that the world is off-kilter you need look no further than Redmond, Washington.
Microsoft HQ Redmond WA
When I was a young bloke, the hot chicks were with the jocks. They belong together. They were happy; and we were okay with it. Occasionally one of us might get lucky and score with a hot chick – a genuine triumph of imagination over intelligence[sic]! However, it was certainly not the norm. Teachers married teachers, cool married cool and geeks married geeks. We knew our place and we were comfortable with it. To walk down the streets of Redmond today, you’d never guess that was ever the case.
The city that is Microsoft is also the city with the highest rate of geek/hot chick partnerships in the United States. To experience Redmond is to experience a mash-up of The Stepford Wives without the feminism, Showgirls without the subtlety and Revenge of the Nerds without the irony.
Redmond is a place where family groupings of one hot partner, one geek and offspring that are neither bright nor beautiful, roam the streets like wandering herds of mismatched animals in a Bosch-like vision of hell. It is not the wolf lying with the lamb. No, much worse. It is the panther lying with the lesser hairy-footed dunnart.
the lesser hairy-footed dunnart
If the ‘Redmond Effect’ was confined to within its city limits this affront to the laws of nature would be tolerable, disastrously this is not the case. Each little satanic progeny, each little monster is not only lowering the average of the national IQ, but is also altering both our understanding of what it is to be smart and corroding our aesthetic sensibilities.
oh the horror
Influencing nearly all aspects of our daily lives since the late 1970s the effects of this national disaster extend further than many suspect. Most people are unaware of the magnitude of this problem so below I have assembled some of the startling examples of cultural aberrations that have arisen due to the ‘Redmond Effect’.
In order to avert this impending intellectual dumbing-down, this toothless, butt-ugly tragedy reaching Mississippian proportions on a nationwide scale, I propose the implementation of one of two solutions that share a sensible and conservative approach.
PLAN A
Build a 12 ft. razor wired fence around the city of Redmond. To justify this, tell the residents that the City of Redmond is sponsoring a special event – a no holds barred, winner-takes-all, last man standing, double tag-team duel to the death. Bill Gates and The Rock V Steve Jobs and, the fresh out of retirement, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The referee will be… Vince McMahon, himself. This will totally make believable the need for such high level security and no one will be able to resist showing up for the event. Everyone knows that Stone Cold will promise not to interfere with the referee and be on his best behavior, but of course he will smash McMahon with his signature Stone Cold Stunner. Gates will argue passionately for restraint whilst reaching for a chair to smash Jobs with. Gates will end up on top of Jobs, sinking his fist over and over into Jobs’ face, until out of nowhere The Undertaker will appear dropping Gates with a “last ride” elevated power-bomb. Meanwhile in the other corner Stone Cold will be mashing McMahon’s face, opening it up like a cheap jar of pasta sauce. Ha! That should fix McMahon and shut his big mouth once and for all. All this time The Rock will be standing watching the brutal bashing and do nothing, ’cause deep down he knows that Stone Cold deserves his revenge and McMahon has had it coming to him for a long while, and that Gates’ time has passed and that Microsoft hasn’t really produced anything exciting and innovative for ten years because cloud computing probably isn’t a long-term solution, Microsoft is relying on an aggressive litigation policy that is in direct opposition to the spirit of the marketplace and remains strong largely owing to customer apathy and a resistance to embrace new technology, even though it would benefit them greatly in terms of both efficiency and productivity. But it’s not all doom and gloom for Gates, despite his face being rearranged by The Undertaker. Bing is shaping up nicely for Microsoft and looks like being a genuine option to Google’s search engine.
Right.
Back to the task at hand then.
At the time scheduled for the commencement of the bout dispatch a squadron from nearby Joint Base Lewis-McChord to deliver a shock and awe campaign that will obliterate the city.
PLAN B
Build a huge dome over the city and destroy it with a controlled nuclear explosion. The dome would, in the spirit of the great utilitarian designs, become both a tomb and a shrine – a reminder to its millions of visitors that pairing without giving consideration to a genetic imperative could have dire consequences; far worse than those resulting from improper tooth brushing techniques, lack of flossing and a general lackadaisical approach to oral hygiene.
SIMONS EASTER EGG
Posted in Commentary
Tagged Bill Gates, geeks, hot chicks, Making Plans for Nigel, Microsoft, Redmond, Steve Jobs, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, WWE, XTC
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Twitter – where George Carlin went to die
Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it – George Carlin
(100 characters)
Facebook is a conversation; twitter is a shouting match. Facebook is a user-constructed environment; twitter is a clusterfuck. Facebook is a group of friends at a barbecue; twitter is 200,000,000 would-be comedians in a room, each in possession of a 140 character vocabulary.
I haven’t seen as much sexual innuendo filled language since the good old days of yahoo chat rooms, actually its worse than that – its just plain smutty. Its like a smut convention with prizes awarded for the dirtiest mouth.
Businesses, actors, personalities, politicians, sporting teams, charities, arts organizations, religious groups, everyone; everyone on twitter searching for the same thing – the holy grail of twitter.
That which they all seek? The perfect 140 character one-liner.
If there were a twitter how-to manual it would be George Carlin’s classic – Brain Droppings. The problem is this – George was clever, the vast majority of tweeters are not. They are plain inept. George’s were Brain droppings, most tweets are just droppings.
There is a redeeming factor though, some tweets are so bad, so goddamn awful – they are utterly hilarious. It is with great pleasure that I bring them to you today. Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to the place where George Carlin came to die. Welcome to the amazing spaghetti western jokeslinger shootout world of twitter.
All tweets were collected in a 48hour period from a followed cross section of 532 people/ interest groups including religious groups, atheists, followers of The Onion, businesses, soccer supporters, hip-hop artists/producers, film buffs and parent groups; and just plain old folks like you and me.
This is funny isn’t it Mom?
Parents of the Year
WTF???
Genius yeah? ….. Wait there’s more!
TMI
SIMON’S EASTER EGG